I Couldn't Breathe...

By Julie Renfroe '19

Distance disconnects us from the world. Distance hides reality from our vision and encloses us in a veil of ignorance.

I always thought distance was a passive thing—I never knew people could use it as a tool to invalidate me.

This summer I learned otherwise.

While I laid in the comfort of my home on July 17th, Eric Garner was laid out on the ground, dead. Forty-five minutes away from my house, several police officers threw themselves on Garner—as if he were an animal. Through gasps of air, Garner’s plea of “I can’t breathe” did not stop the police from suffocating him to death.  For the first time inawhile, this atrocity taking over the news stations on TV physically affected me—thirty five miles away, a man was slaughtered. I couldn’t breathe...             

When I posted the quote “I can’t breathe” on Instagram, with a caption embodying my frustration toward this disregard for human life, I did not expect what would come next. A comment of my co-worker at the horseback-riding barn I coach at on my post left my lips paralyzed. My gaping mouth could not form words to describe my utter astonishment and anger. Have you ever had someone tell you that expressing your opinion about basic human rights and equality was inappropriate? Call you a racist for not tiptoeing around the fact that race affects things?  Accuse you of setting a bad example for the kids that you teach? I couldn’t breathe...              

The next day I took away her tool of distance. When I confronted her she was timid, yet her statements still stood. “If we don’t talk about race, it won’t be a problem,” she said. “You are being a bad role model,” she said. “I could get you fired for this,” she said. My body was trembling. I couldn’t form words, a sound, a simple thought.  I couldn’t breathe...

I had to distance myself. Collapsed on the wheel of my car, I cried for Eric Garner. I cried for the people whose bigoted opinions will never change nomatter what. I cried for our shattered world. Finally, I stopped shaking. Finally, I could breathe. Eric Garner, and people of color before him, and the ones to come, will never have that luxury.

From December 2015 Issue