Conversations with my Grandmother

By Zoë Owens ‘22

CW: implications of eating disorders

I

My grandma and I were sitting on the front porch swing at sunset in mid-August. As the cicadas screamed and the fireflies came out to play, she took a sip of her wine and said, “I worry about your brother. He reminds me too much of myself when I was suffering.”

She didn’t look at me as she said it. It was almost like she wasn’t saying it to me; she was saying it to get it out of her head and off of her heart. 

I asked her what she meant, and she responded, “Well, with that whole wrestling thing... he is just getting so skinny and he hardly eats. I keep thinking about when I was in my twenties and I also didn’t eat. I remember making myself sick after meals sometimes.”

I didn’t know what to say. I have lived with this woman for years and I know her to be ridiculous and lewd and hilarious. Once, I told her what a dental dam was and for a month after, she went around making me explain it to the room every time she got drunk. We had never had a conversation like this before. I said, “I worry about him too.” 

And we both drank from our glasses and were silent for a while. We haven’t talked about it since, but now I know her better.

II

We were cooking dinner together. My mom was at work, and I was complaining about how she wouldn’t let me take a Greyhound to go on vacation with my friends. My grandma looked at me over the stovetop and said, “I get why she’s so tough on you kids. After her dad died, I was a teenager again. I didn’t raise her, and I think she made some mistakes because of that. I mean, she married your dad when she was eighteen. She doesn’t want you to make the same mistakes that she did. She loves you too much.”

I pushed her. “What do you mean you didn’t raise her?”

“Well, her dad died when she was fourteen, and I started dating again. She was alone for a lot of her teen years so she turned to your dad. She wants to make sure you get through college, unlike her.”

I stopped talking because I knew she was right.

III

She’s always right. 

Zoe Owens '22 (zowens) wants to know her family better but doesn't know how to ask them to open up. From the December 2019 issue.