Elaine

by Sarahi Lopez

I smile at him, the words “I do” leaving my lips while the image of his touching her’s replays in my head

again

He slides the ring on and sweeps me up, the feeling of his arms around me making the visions waver and deepening the melancholic pit in my stomach. In moments like this, I think that they cannot possibly be true, that the terrors that steal my sleep are nothing. In moments like this, the betrayal slips through my fingers like dirt. The tears that sting my eyes rush back in like the current, taking the hurt with it, smoothing over every crevice as if it never were. Eroding. I believe that plunging my hands into his chest and embalming his heart in forget-me-not’s will keep it from leaving me

again

I lace my fingers through his weaving prayers so that this time we’re inseparable. In the night, I bite my lip, keeping in the traitorous heaving sounds that may plant doubt in him. I can’t let him break 

again 

Come morning he’ll kiss the bruise away, and I’ll believe we have a proper chance. It’s not dusk yet. I won’t grasp at her skirts, begging as life drains from him, and the shell of a man crawls away from us both. This union, it won’t ruin us

again

I look up into his honor-filled eyes and delude myself into thinking that maybe I’ll be enough for once. I’ll be his future. He’s not even met her yet this time. That’s promising. It’s the dawn of spring

again

He has no clue of what he’ll do. I know him, I know his heart, and it is all mine. He would never. At least not this time. Please, not this time. The world can build itself 

again 

It has built itself

The next time I break, I’ll be at the bottom of a river.

So I continue to smile, touch the cold stone around my finger, and pretend I’ll never lose him

again

And yet…